Cabaret

Matchmaker Sketch

Scene 1: Advert & Home Videos.

Tess: Hi ladies, I’m thee Tess Tickle, author of the award winning bestseller “Grow a Pair of Balls” and matchmaker to the stars. Forget Sex and the City, forget 50 Shades of Grey my book tops them all. Now I’m giving a lucky a few women a once in a lifetime opportunity, to experience a crash course on how to find a man, with me Tess Tickle. To apply please email your video, telling me a bit about yourself and what you’re looking for in a man. Send to tesstickle@cockmail.co.uk. Please submit before February 6^th, hopefully with my help you won’t be single for yet another Valentine’s Day. Good luck.

Tess: Thank you all for volunteering for me today, we have four lovely ladies who have been selected from many applicants to participate in today’s crash course. I will need your help later on in the session but for now sit back and relax. Let’s re-look over the chosen applicants. Chocolate penis anyone?

Applications-

Clara: Hi, I'm doctor Clara martins, and I'm 28 years old from London. A bit about me, we'll my work is my life, I am a finance director for a car insurance company, as I have a masters from the well-known Cambridge university. Tess Tickle I need you’re... Help... Because I can't find a man that can cope with my lifestyle. My younger sister and parents are both happily married and it's about time for me to settle down. So if you can find a man who wants little attention and willing to spend no quality time with me, then pick me.

Jane: Um Hello Tess Tickle, I’m um…Jane brown and I’m a librarian at my local library. In my spare time I read books and look after my cats Bertha, Beatrice, Betty, Belinda, Bambi and Mildred. I love cats and books and libraries. I like my own space and feel uncomfortable around other people, especially men. I’m looking for a man who is nice and likes to read and likes cats. I need your help to find a man, I can’t do it on my own. The closest I’ve got to someone is Edward Cullen. I like him. Find me someone like him.

Roxy: Hi Tess. My name is Roxanne peacock but most people call me foxy Roxy. My interests are simple. Sex, sex and sex. I know what I'm good at and that's sex. I can have any man I want, and trust me, I've had them. You're probably wondering why I'm sending this message as I already know everything there is to know about a man. Well, my friends think I need to look for more than just sex...fuck ‘em I say but hey...let's see if you can teach me anything I don't already know.

Olivia: Hi I’m Olivia, this is me and Spencer. We were together for 5 years….until he broke my heart. We had so many good times together, I thought he was gonna propose last year I had my wedding dress picked and everything. Please, please, please Tess Tickle help me get over him, I don’t want to die alone.

Tess- well it looks like I’ve got my work cut out for me. Let’s bring them in.

Scene 2: Workshop.

All girls enter looking awkward and nervous

Tess: Everybody please take a seat, chocolate penis anyone? Right ladies you are very lucky to have been selected today. Today’s session is going to change your lives. We are going to get to work straight away there’s no time to lose. As a start pointing, can you introduce yourself to the group and please describe the most successful date you have been on. Don’t be shy who’s going to start?

Olivia: I’m Olivia, I’m 22, and my perfect date is when my boyfriend, I mean ex-boyfriend drove us to the park where we met. We lay on the bonnet of his car and talked about marriage under the stars….It was so magical. (Starts to cry)

Roxy: Why? Did you fuck on the bonnet?

Olivia: (gasps) we made love!

Clara: Wow!

Roxy: I’m Roxanne, I don’t do dates but my perfect night was 3 guys, 2 bottles of bubbly and 1 bed. Well they don’t call me Foxy Roxy for nothing.

Clara: Doctor Clara Martins, how do you do. I’ve had one date, he came into my office and brought me lunch. We shared a prawn salad. It was very distracting. Then he wanted me to meet him out of office hours, I mean who’s got time for that. Anyway, now the only relationship I have is with my MacBook Pro.

Tess: That’s lovely, well your pretty quiet sweetie introduce yourself to the group. What has been your best date?

Jane: Well ummm hi I’m Jane, I’m 30 years old and I’ve never been on an actual date.

Tess: That’s ok, what about an encounter you’ve had with a man, like met anybody nice when you’ve been out and flirted a little bit with?

Jane: Well I don’t really go out, (whispers) I’ve never been kissed.

Tess: What was that last part?

Jane: (quietly) I’ve never been kissed.

Tess: Pardon?

Jane: I’ve never been kissed…

Tess: Sorry?

Jane: I’ve never been kissed…

Tess: Excuse me?

Jane: I’VE NEVER BEEN KISSED!

Clara: Seriously?

Roxy: What like your some kinda 30 year old virgin or something? OMFG you’re actually a 30 year old virgin didn’t think they actually existed!

Olivia: You poor thing!

Tess: Now now, there’s no need to worry this is what we are all here for there are clearly improvements to be made Jane not to worry I’m going to help you. And that goes for all of you; we need to make some umm slight changes to improve your chances of finding an eligible bachelor.

Clara: Theres nothing wrong with me, maybe the men are the problem.

Tess: Maybe so Clara but your still single aren’t you? So if you don’t want to die alone I’d shut up and listen. Right everybody stand up and make a line.

All the ladies line up as Tess paces back and forth. Tess looking up and down at each girl to take in their appearance.

Tess: Firstly ladies there is something I must tell you, the whole saying of “what’s inside that counts,” you know what that’s a whole lot of bullshit and that’s the harsh but honest truth.

Clara: Are you trying to say I need to promote my looks rather than my brains to get a man’s attention? That’s barbaric!

Roxy: Well duh, I use my looks at look at me I’ve had countless amounts of men.

Tess: Yes Clara that is what I’m trying to say, and Roxy there’s a line between a lady and a tramp. So my first port of call is to give you each a makeover.

Olivia: How exciting, I want to look marriage material!

Jane: I’ve never had a makeover before.

Tess: Honey, I can tell!

Scene 3: Makeover.

Tess Tickle Presses CD player

(Donna Summers “Hot Stuff” begins to play)

Tess: Let’s get to work! Roxanne you’re up first!

Roxy: But I don’t need a makeover I’m hot enough as I am!

Tess: Just shut up and get moving! Get into the dressing room I need to work my magic.

Tess pushes Roxy behind the screen.

Girls begin dance routine.

Tess: Right undress…dear god you can floss your teeth with these things (from behind screen)

Tess comes out from behind screen.

Tess: Right ladies the first thing you need to know about what men find attractive in a woman, is that they all love a girl who is golden delicious! So grab a mitt and slap on the fake tan, number one rule the darker the better!

Girls dance to chorus.

Tess: Introducing Foxy Roxy….darling you look like you’ve come back from the Maldives!

Girls react to Roxy’s makeover.

Tess: Clara your next!

Clara: Is this really necessary?

Tess: If you want to wait another 9 months before you have sex again I think you should do as your told, don’t you?

Tess takes Clara behind the screen.

Tess: My oh my, you have an excellent pair of breasts no need to hide them honey! (From behind screen)

Tess comes out from behind screen addressing other girls:

Tess: Now girls we all know the first rule about seduction is using your womanly assets so get them out at show them to the world!

Tess: Breath in, hoist them up! Damn girl your sex on legs! (From behind screen)

Girls dance to next chorus.

Tess: Introducing the Doctor that will soon send you into a fever with her hotness, it’s Clara Martins!

Clara: I feel so exposed, are you sure I look ok?

Tess: Too hot to handle baby!

Olivia: My turn, I wanna go next!

Tess and Olivia go behind the screen.

Tess: (comes out from behind screen) now girls the au-natural look is a load of rubbish, nobody likes a plain Jane, no offense, you need to slap as much make up on as you can. You can seduce men with your beautiful eyes.

Tess: Introducing a potential blushing bride…Olivia Mathews!

Olivia: I can’t quiet walk in these heels.

Tess: Well honey no brides ever walked down the aisle in flats, last but not least is Jane.

Jane: I really can’t, I could never look hot or sexy or anything like that… (Babbling)

Tess: Shhh, stop babbling! You’ll be surprised with what I can do!

Tess takes Jane behind screen.

Tess: Dear god you have bigger knickers than Bridget Jones herself!

Tess comes out from behind screen.

Tess: Finally ladies the ugly duckling has now transformed into to a beautiful swan, prepare yourselves for the gorgeous and sexy Miss Jane Brown!

Jane slowly comes out from behind the screen, all the other girls applaud. Jane is embarrassed by the attention.

Clara: You look fabulous!

Tess: I know, but what about Jane?

Roxy: If I were a Lesbian I would totally do you!

Tess: You what?

Roxy: I’m kidding but girl you got hot!

Olivia: It’s like a Cinderella transformation!

Jane: You sure it’s not too much?

All: No, you look lovely!

Scene 4: How to talk & approach a man.

Tess: Now girls you may look the part but now you need to release your inner goddess and become the sexy seductress I know you all are. Please retake your seats so we can move on to phase 2.

All the girls take their seats.

Tess: Right ladies firstly what do you think is the first step to begin to attract a man….anybody? Yes Olivia?

Olivia: Propose?

Roxy: No dumbass, ask for a drink?

Tess: Not first of all. The answer is through body language! Now close you eyes and just follow my instructions. Firstly sit forward and put your chest out, then cross your beautiful legs, then lean back gracefully and pout. Now picture in your head the most gorgeous hunk you have ever seen, picture his bulging biceps and chiseled bone structure, his luscious lips and cheeky grin. Now the key to seduction is through eye contact so after 3 you are going to stare deeply into his eyes and draw him to you, 1, 2, 3!

The girls have followed instruction, but misinterpreted them. All spaced in awkward positions!

Tess: Girls! What on earth….Roxy a little less, Clara not so much pout. Doing good Olivia chest out, and Jane a bit more effort from you come on. That’s much better.

Girls are repositioned.

Tess: Now you need to approach your man, everybody rise!

All girls stand.

Tess: You need to strut your stuff to keep him engaged. Now copy me its all in the hips, and 1, 2, 3, 4, and toss your hair, 2, 3, 4, and pose. Fabulous!

Girls attempt to walk as Tess did.

Tess: Not too bad, let’s try once more.

Girls attempt to walk as Tess did, again.

Tess: That is sure to have had his attention. Now you know the walk its all about the talk.

Girls go back to seats.

Tess: He is bound to come over and talk to you after your performance so you must be prepared to say the right thing. The art of conversation can be a good opportunity to sell yourself and discuss what your good at, maybe a hobby of some sort. So what are your talents?

Clara: Well obviously I am very organized, I can register anything buy categories in cross-reference.

Olivia: I love shopping, shopping and shopping, oh and going to weddings!

Jane: I love books. I’ve read every one of Shakespeare’s plays.

Tess: No, no, no, that’s no good! You’re going to scare them away with your intelligence and will make them feel inferior. Nobody likes a smart woman. So take note, you must act interested in all sports whether you like it or not, agree with everything he says and have no opinion of your own.

Clara: You’ve got to be joking, that’s absurd!

Roxy: Hey, I say just skip all that bullshit and get straight to business, just get me a tequila slammer take me home and get down to banging!

Jane: huh, oh dear me!

Roxy: You are so deprived of your womanly pleasures!

Tess: No Roxanne, you’re missing out the best part by getting straight to it. It’s all in the art of seduction. Ladies I think you’re ready for phase 3.

Scene 5: Foreplay.

Tess approaches girls with a tray of bananas.

Tess: Please take one each.

Olivia: Bananas? (Confused)

Jane: I’m ok thank you Tess. I’ve already had my 5 a day.

Roxy: I’ve had 5 today!

Clara: We are not doing what I think we’re doing are we?!

Tess: It’s all in the art of foreplay. Please imagine that you hold someone’s manhood in your hands.

Jane: A what?!

Roxy: She means, a penis, a cock, a dick, a winky!

Tess: Ladies, unpeel…..seductively, imagine your unzipping his trousers!

Olivia: (Giggling) I feel so naughty, this is much bigger than my ex-boyfriends!

Tess: And massage, stick your nails in they love it when you do that. Put it in!

(The girls follow Tess’s instruction)

Jane: Put it where?

Roxy: In your mouth duh!

Tess: And suck, pretend it’s your favorite lolli-pop, strawberry, raspberry, cola!

Jane: I don’t know if I can do this!

Tess: Give it a go Jane, and occasionally they love it when you bite!

(Girls all take their own approach to sucking bananas)

Tess: Oh Clara I didn’t know you had it in you! Keep going girls!

(Girls perform on bananas and Tess licks egg!)

Tess: Girls you have really out done yourselves, I am very impressed! I knew you would finally release your inner goddesses!

Olivia: My ex always said I was good at oral!

Clara: I hate to admit it but I actually quite enjoyed that, just wish I was able to get the real thing.

Tess: Well Clara you may just might, as I have a little surprise for you all! We have a lovely young gentleman for you to practice everything you have learnt today.

Jane: A real man?

Tess: Yes.

Jane: You want me to talk to an actual boy?

Tess: Not only that I want you to try and seduce him!

Jane: Oh god! (Begins to panic)

Roxy: Is he hot?

Olivia: Is he marriage material?

Tess: Lets bring him in and you’ll find out!

Tess improvises searching through audience looking for the ‘right man’.

Picks a man and leads him into the stage.

Tess: Right Ladies, this is Johnny, and he’s a fireman.

Sits him on a chair.

Improvised section with each girl talking to ‘Johnny’.

Tess: Times up, thank you for your time, I’ll escort you back!

Tess leaves stage with volunteer.

Clara: this is ridiculous! You simply cannot pull a man this way! This woman has no clue, she is talking nonsense! I say that we spark off an uprising and leave! Who is with me?

Olivia: Oh that sounds nasty, why don’t we just tell her our feelings and talk it out so everyone is happy and at peace.

Roxy: let’s just leave and go for cocktails! I can give you better tips than her.

Clara, Olivia and Roxy make an attempt to leave.

Jane: I came across her book in the library. I thought it was okay...

All girls stop and look at Jane.

Jane: Yeah let’s go.

Scene 6: The Uprising & Final Confession.

Tess: Is that what you all think of me, you think my work as a load of nonsense?

Clara: Let’s face the facts Tess, none of this is going to make use find a man!

Tess: Oh god, I’m having a panic attack. I can’t cope! I just can’t do this anymore!

Olivia: Tess breath! We are so sorry we didn’t mean to upset you!

Tess: I can’t do this. I’ve been living a lie!

Roxy: What you mean?

Tess: I can’t tell you, my whole career will be ruined!

Jane: If you get it of your chest you will feel much better.

Tess: No you don’t understand my life will be over!

Clara: Just tell us!

Tess: The truth is through my whole career I’ve taught woman how to find a man, I’ve match made many celebs, even introduced Beyoncé to Jay Z. I’ve dated many people including a brief interlude with Brad Pitt and Leonardo Dicaprio. I’ve been engaged 3 times and never made It down the aisle because of one little problem.

All: What?

Tess: The truth is… I like girls!

All: What?!

Tess: I LIKE GIRLS! I’m gay, I’m a raging lesbian! And the truth is right now Clara I just want to rip that shirt off you and have you on that table because a powerful woman doesn’t half turn me on.

Awkward silence

Jane: Chocolate penis anyone?

END.